Cuyahoga County Actor Sewn Into Human Centipede for New Local Production

Forty-five representatives are currently on hold for a single actor in Cuyahoga County.

The actor, who is at the head of a human centipede for a film role, received a conference call from their team on Tuesday. The call was placed by a surgeon described as a sadistic horror-movie doctor who answered the phone on the actor's behalf. The actor’s Social Media Content Manager, Lawyer and Publicist, Posture Consultant, and Cuticle Coach all spoke during the call.

The team called to discuss the actor's attitude. The Hand-Modelling Agent stated that the actor had been complaining since landing the gig. The actor responded by comparing their complaining to animals panting to cool themselves off. The Baby-Bird-Technique Nutritionist, named Glennon, interrupted to ask the actor to stop being political. Glennon noted that mentioning faith-based identity could jeopardize future job access. The Ear-Candling Tech’s apprentice then said the team had had enough of the actor's excuses.

The Morning Pages Handwriting Interpreter asked if the actor knew they had a coveted gig. The interpreter listed several factors, including the post-strike economy, pre-pilot season, and ongoing mergers. The actor tried to mention the difficulty of being sewn anus to mouth to strangers who also submitted writing samples. The Lucid Dream Doula snapped at the actor to be thankful for the networking opportunity, referencing the loneliness epidemic.

The former Positive Mind Set and Leg Day Trainer had previously charged the actor a cash-only hourly rate. The trainer had given up on the actor’s disposition and calves months earlier. The actor is now on all fours daily, performing glute isolations that the trainer used to enforce. The American Girl Doll’s Stylist shouted that the actor was at the front of the centipede. The stylist asked how many clients would give anything to be in the middle of the arthropod.

My Favorite Sea Anemone’s Bodyguard exclaimed that the actor needed to stop with the attitude. The actor wondered if they would see the sea anemone again. The actor considered using the money from the gig to buy pets like Spikey, gut flora, or possums. The actor was unsure if there was actually money, suspecting the role might be for exposure only. The actor could not remember what they signed before receiving the call sheet, only recalling being reprimanded for being late.

The team placed the actor on hold, presumably to discuss dropping the client. All team members are paid on Zelle auto-renew, meaning the actor does not have to sign paperwork to end the relationship. The Intimacy Coach who supervises scalp massages checked in to say the team is still discussing the pros and cons of working together. The coach said she would circle back with boots-on-the-ground intel. The actor thanked her profusely, noting that from their position, they could only kiss the air.

The surgeon who got the actor into this situation is drawing circles in the air with his index finger. This gesture indicates either that the phone call should wrap up or that the surgeon is about to do something else horrible. The actor is currently at the front of the human centipede, sewn to strangers who also went through auditions and callbacks. The production is part of a new pilot season in the area.