A Day in the Life of the D.C. Insider

The day begins in Washington, D.C., with a loud crash against the windowpane. The narrator looks outside to see pieces of legislation flying through the air. They answer a phone call immediately, demanding that the next bill include more carcinogens. The morning routine continues with a breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, which Mitt Romney prepares and feeds directly to the narrator.

After dressing in a fresh suit and tie, distinct from the ones worn to sleep, the narrator steps into the crisp morning air. The Lincoln Memorial offers a friendly wink and a thumbs-up until a tourist appears. At that point, the statue reverts to its usual static pose. The narrator texts a friend referred to as Coal Lobby to ask about meeting up for play. Coal Lobby replies that he must be at the Capitol that day, adding a sad emoji to the message. The narrator cries.

A mid-morning jog is interrupted by a phone call from a journalist seeking an anonymous source. The narrator informs them that the government has the flu. After completing the run, the suit and tie are soaked with sweat, but the narrator keeps them on. They then visit the C.I.A. to ask about recent spying activities. The C.I.A. responds that operations are going well, noting that one of the people being watched is currently viewing the show 'Widow’s Bay.' The C.I.A. describes the show as both funny and scary and suggests the narrator watch it. The narrator claims to be too busy, and the C.I.A. agrees, citing the difficulty of keeping up with the number of available shows.

Hunger drives the narrator to a diner staffed solely by Chuck Grassley. Grassley asks if the narrator wants the usual order. The narrator agrees, and the two share a high five. Later, Coal Lobby texts again to say he is free because his Capitol appointment is actually tomorrow. Today, it is Verizon’s turn. The two meet to jump rope. The narrator’s suit becomes even more sweaty, leading them to remove their clothing entirely.

Thirsty and naked, the narrator enters a dive bar with a name that sounds like a mix of 'Phil-a-Buster’s' and a complex financial transaction. The bartender notices the lack of clothing and offers the narrator the bartender’s suit and tie, which the narrator accepts. On the television above the bar, a gun delivers an important speech to an audience composed entirely of other guns. The narrator stands and applauds.

Leaving the bar, the narrator comments on the city’s architecture, noting the numerous columns and archways. They compare the scene to ancient Rome and wonder about the quality of the movie 'Gladiator.' They call Coal Lobby to ask about watching the film together. Coal Lobby mentions it is rated R, requiring him to ask his mother. The narrator tells him to forget it, recalling a past incident where Coal Lobby’s mother denied permission for the two to wander the woods searching for a dead amendment. Coal Lobby remembers the event and cries.

Mitt Romney walks past the bar again, prompting the narrator to wonder why the former president serves breakfast by hand every morning without prior discussion. A bird flies by and hands the narrator a secret note. The note instructs them to meet at a location where wealthy individuals gather in masks and robes. The narrator arrives to find the group playing Scrabble, which is described as a letdown. The day ends at home, where the narrator puts on another new suit and tie. The journalist from earlier calls to check if the government still has the flu. The narrator confirms that it does.